Tuesday night my co-workers and I trekked the far trip to the lower east side to a place called Croxley Ales that boasts amazing chicken wings for the mere price of $0.10 each! Back in the day before I started to eat healthy, chicken wings were my favorite food ever. In fact, there is a video of me at the age of about 4 where I am dancing around and singing how much I love them. Luckily that is somewhere lost in the sea of VHS tapes, so that can’t haunt me anytime soon!
These days, my stomach cannot handle the fried goodness that is a chicken wing. The last time I attempted to eat them was last summer, and it ended in me being sick for 3 days. So while I could not partake in the cheap chicken wing feast, I had a sandwich that was pretty amazing. I had the grilled buffalo chicken sandwich with sweet potato fries, which was definitely close enough to chicken wings. The sauce was so spicy (just how I like it!) and the blue cheese crumbles were amazing. We all shared the fries and my group said the wings (and the boneless) were great. Croxley Ale’s is a tiny bar but were able to house our group of 6 just fine. I will definitely be going back for the sandwich; one of the top 5 I’ve had since living in NYC!
Moving on to things. I had Wednesday off of work and I honestly had such a depressing day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed for sure, coupled with PMS that keeps getting worse and worse each month since I have been off of birth control (about 10 months or so now). I wanted to give my body a year off of it since I was on it for 3-4 years and in that time I had lost so much weight. This might be TMI but I wasn’t sure what had caused my sex drive to go completely away for so long. My doctor was sure it was most likely just a change in my hormones and stress from losing 110 pounds, and then last year once I was borderline starving myself and working out so much. I haven’t been too open about it, but I did lose my period for a few months. That’s when I got really freaked out and started to get healthy again. Too bad I went a little overboard (I needed to gain about 10 lbs, ended up with 20-25) and am now struggling to lose 15. But, that’s a different story for a different day
ANYWAYS, the depressing day. It was just hormones because yesterday and today I feel fine. But one big thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I am struggling so much this time around losing a measly 15 pounds (compared to the 110 I lost.) Actually, it’s not even a number because I haven’t weighed myself since the end of 2011. I got way too obsessed with the scale, and thought I could just go by how my clothes felt. Well, my clothes just kept getting tighter and tighter and the size 4 I was at the healthiest weight I have been (at my unhealthy, a 0 was big) has turned into an 8. Yes, I work in fashion so yes, I know that sizing in clothes these days means literally nothing. Every brand is different, and vanity sizing has taken place of true sizing. I also want to note that I in no way think that sizes dictate who a person is. I know people who are a size 8 who weigh and look like they weigh less than I do. This is just a personal thing, and also because I am not happy with how my body looks at the moment. My body is a little on the boy-ish side, meaning I have no real hips, butt or boobs, and so I carry any extra weight in my arms and stomach. Not flattering.
A few hours of sulking later, I read Lauren’s amazing post. There are so many of us out there who are struggling with weight loss because it is obviously one of the most challenging things to accomplish, and then keep off. For those of us who have lost weight, we know how to do it. There are really no tricks, it’s just simply eating less than you burn. Focus on eating clean, whole foods that power and fuel our bodies. We know all of this, have done it in the past and had the results, so why is it sometimes it’s so hard to not eat chocolate covered animal crackers and sweet potato fries multiple nights in a row (and not just on cheat day)? Why is sticking to 1700-1800 calories (for me, with my activity level) to lose the pounds that bother us so much seem like such a daunting task? That amount of clean food is plenty, trust me! So for the last few months I have been working out like crazy, yet eating at my maintenance amount of calories (2300+) so I have not lost the weight that has stuck to me the last 9 months. Due to where my weight goes when I gain, it’s easy to see where I have gained and it bothers me mostly because I strive to be such a role model to those who are struggling with their own weight. I have proved to be someone who lost a remarkable amount of weight and kept it off for awhile, but now I have gained. Yes, 15 pounds is not a crazy amount but it’s enough to show, and it’s enough for my adorable new wardrobe that I bought the last 2 years to not fit.
What have I realized since reading Lauren’s post, crying for hours, and some soul searching? I am the only one in control of my life. I choose to let food rule in emotional times, and not just when I am hungry. I choose to go off track too many days out of the week instead of just one day per week. I choose to have an extra few spoonfuls of peanut butter before bed out of habit instead of being satisfied with dinner. All of these things just need to STOP and just like that I can gain control. I had some wicked willpower during the year that I had got out of control with how little I ate. I would never want to go back to that, but I do need to channel the willpower I know that I have. A year ago I was terrified of eating 1200 calories. I would work out no less than 2 hours per day, and I had family and friends worried about me. I was the thinnest I ever was my whole life, but I was miserable. I can say now that even though my body is not where I want it, I am much happier with myself.
Yesterday morning in spin class, a guy who sits next to me every Thursday morning asked me after class what sports I played growing up, or currently. When I told him I never played sports, and have only been physically active the last 2 years, he refused to believe me. At this point, the spin instructor came over to us and joined, also in shock that I don’t play sports. They both told me that I “kill it” in every class, and always push myself to go just a bit further than others in the class (which leaves me in a pool of my own sweat). That moment almost brought me to tears, because I realized that my fitness is not only great compared to others who look more fit than I, but greater than I ever imagined in my wildest dreams. I was happy when I could finally walk 2 miles, but now a 4-5 mile run is just a “quick” little run, and 2 spin classes in a day is fun for me. The weight will come off, but what matters most to me is that I am physically fit and I don’t have to start from scratch again. I will never allow myself to gain 30,40,50 pounds and treat my body poorly. I just need to get my head straight, which I will say is not easy given the last 9 months and what I have gone through. But, I am determined to end 2012 on a positive note.
Whew, this was quite the honest post! Give me some feedback. What are ways you get back on track after falling off for awhile? Have you ever fallen off for a longer period of time?